Promises

I have struggled with writing this post. 

Baby M's mom chose to continue to parent him. 

My heart is torn over this. Of course I am always glad when a family is able to stay together. Obviously, that is the best case scenario. But with adoption, joy for one brings pain for the other. I am always aware that with any placement for us, there will be pain for another. You can't add to one without taking from another. 

However, I have a renewed hope. 

This season has been long, painful and hard to endure. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it. I was not prepared for a long wait. We've been open to so much, far more than our first adoption. I truly expected a very short wait. God has had other plans. 

People talk about God giving us the desires of our heart. I believe that, wholly. However, I've come to view that differently. Yes, I desire more children. Lots of them. I have always wanted a big family. When Mike & I first got married, I think that scared him a little. Over the years, he's come to accept that and be okay with it. Here's the thing though. My desire for children pales in comparison to my desire to draw closer to God. 

I believe God uses our earthly desires to get our attention to His spiritual work in our lives.  

Mercy Me has a song that has really ministered to me. Here's some of the lyrics.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

If my infertility prior to Nathan, and long wait in adoption now are what cause me to praise Jesus, then bring the rain! I have faith that this season won't last forever. 

God also reminded me of a dream I had a couple years ago. I was in the hospital the first night after my hysterectomy. I saw a beautiful little girl. Skin the color of smooth milk chocolate and beautiful curls framing her face. Oh, she was beautiful! I overwhelming felt God telling me that the devil could try to steal my joy as I lost my uterus, but God would remain faithful to His promises to me. 

Nathan spoke for over a year about his baby sister. We never told him that he would get a brother or sister. He just spoke it out. One day he pointed to a picture of a girl that looked so much like the girl in my dream and said she was his sister. 

Recently a family member dreamt of our girl. 

I have to cling to His promises! Even if they are painful at times, when they aren't fulfilled in the time I'd like. 

In the mean time, I will continue to be real with God. This quote from her book sums up how I feel about real with Him: 

"I believe God can handle my heart, my questions, and my anger." Mary Beth Chapman, Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope